on an unrelated note,

i decided that i really like the toyota yaris.

three years ago on this day, chris asked me to be his girlfriend in the hallway outside of the cafeteria before i left to catch the bus home. i hate thinking about high school and how shitty ours in particular was, but i love him unconditionally and apart from morgan/rachel/chelsea/sean, he is about the only good thing to come out of that experience. tonight we're going out to dinner and then probably just chilling and i have no idea what we're going to do tomorrow but maybe i will convince him to go to the mall with me and we can get our pictures taken with santa claus HAHAHAH i have always wanted to do it and i never did, not even as a child, so we shall see. it will be one thing i can cross of my lifelong list of things i do before i die and it will be cute to do it with him. then we can give the picture to his parents cause they always ask for pictures of us for their desks at work. so that's an idea. we don't really need to do much as long as we are with each other. we're going to get our tattoos in a couple of weeks. so that will be awesome.

Say whatever you have to say, I'll stand by you.
Do whatever you have to do, to get it out and not become a reactionary
To hurt the ones you love you know you never meant to but you do
oh yeah you do

Be whoever you have to be, I won't judge you
Sing whatever you have to sing to get it out and not become a recluse about how to come out
I know you never meant to but you do
oh but you do

Still I need your sway, because you always pay for it
And I, and I need your soul because your always soulful
And I and I need your heart, because your always in the right places

And take whatever you have to take, you know I love ya
come however you have to come, and get it out and get it out

Tttttake it out on me, take it out on me
I'll give it you all, I give it you all,i give it
I give you all I give it you all, yes I will give it you all

Cause I need your sway, because you always pay for it
And I, and I need your soul because your always soulful
And I and I need your heart, because your always in the right places

Oh yes I will, I will give it you all

Still I need your sway, because you always pay for it
And I, and I need your soul because your always soulful
And I and I need that heart, because your always in the right places.

"several women's magazines
stacked upon top of a picture of me
when i tried to call no one answered
it's not even that i'm all angry
just wanna know why you would do this thing
you said there's an understanding
and i offered you a small dog in the kitchen
just wanted you to feel at home
and that's why i am fine i am fine i am fine i am fine i just need one hundred dollars
i am fine i am fine i am fine i am fine i just need one hundred dollars
from you and you and you and you and you"

i don't know why but the last part of this song really makes me tingle

i had the worst dream ever, and i don't know why i had it.

i was at jamie and shawn's house babysitting owen alone, when all of a sudden an ambulance pulls into the driveway. it doesn't have any sirens on or anything. i figure it must be one of shawn's friends looking for him, just stopping by randomly to say hi (because shawn is a paramedic/firefighter). i go outside in my pj pants and i greet the guy in the driveway. he has the most... awful facial expression. just absolutely saddening. i immediately discern that he is here to tell me that shawn has died. and he has. i cry uncontrollably for a little bit and then realize that i now have to go tell owen and jamie. owen first though. i go inside and he's jumping around playing with his little airplane or something and i ask him to come over to me. i grab his little hands and i crouch down on the floor in front of him. i look him in the eye and i say, "owen. your daddy is gone. he won't be coming back. there was an accident. i'm so sorry." like as if he knows what any of that means. but for some reason he does. he cries... the hardest, most gut wrenching, blood curdling cry i have ever heard come out of his little body. and i just die inside. my insides rip and i just hate myself. then the worst. jamie calls. now i have to tell my goddamn sister - his wife of 8 years and the mother of his child. i don't remember actually telling her or what she said but i assume i told her. so then we fast forward a couple days and shawn is a ghost that only i can see. i am in the kitchen with him and i am trying to make him laugh. i quote movies. he doesn't find it funny. he is so upset that he has left his family like this without him.

i hope i never have to see the day... 10 more years and he can retire... 10 agonizingly long years.

tomorrow i need to take 15 photos for my deviantart. i've been really behind. the purpose was to take 1 photo every day for a year... to document my daily experience... but damn it's kind of difficult. after i catch up, i'll get back on track.

http://sfmoma.stores.yahoo.net/20anwataofsh.html

i really would like this andy warhol calendar :)

an hour and 21 minutes into cyber monday and i am officially done christmas shopping for chris, his dad, and his little sister... booyah. i love this day.

edit: AND MY BROTHER

time to start studying and catching up on all the work i didn't do over break. my week will look like so:

monday: read chapters 8, 9, and 13 out of my adolescent psychology textbook and watch all the assigned videos from 6:00pm until i'm done.
tuesday: read sections 9.1-9.3, 10.1-10.3, 13.3, and 6.5 out of my astronomy textbook. from about 7:30-9:30, or until i'm done. after my staff meeting which goes until 12, i'll print out my research methods study guide so that i know what to study for.
wednesday: work on personality extra credit jekyll and hyde essay from 6-8:30, and finish up after my floor activity if need be. then after that, start completing the research methods study guide.
thursday: work on QSX 438 final paper from 6-8:30, and continue working on it after my other floor activity. also finish the research methods study guide.
friday: chris is coming over because it's our three year anniversary and we're going out to dinner and just chilling in my room so i probably won't have any time to do much of anything.
saturday: then we are apparently going to see dane cook in rochester so that's another day of doing nothing. but if i do have time i will read pages 205-211, 239-241, 242-250, and 333-344 out of my personality textbook.
sunday: hopefully i will return home in the early afternoon, and i'll work on my QSX 438 final paper, as well as the QSX 438 experiential exercise paper (at some point during the week i have to go 24 hours using only single person/non-gender bathrooms all day... this will be easy for me because the top 5 floors of lawrinson have single person bathrooms)

blah. one day... this will all be over... and i'll be so happy. cannot wait until next semester... writing, abnormal psych, brain and behavior, intro to biopsych, and astronomy :) lots of science... i will enjoy myself thoroughly.

jamie, owen, and i roadtripped it to my mum's house today for thanksgiving dinner at her place. our sister jen and her husband adam were there. they are very awkward. adam found out he got passed over for a promotion and jen flipped out on him and told him to stop making it out to be a big deal and he was really upset in a sort of pathetic, weird way and said something to the effect of "well next time i need to vent or if i'm ever upset, i'll know not to go to you" and she was just acting all douchey afterwards. she's so mean to him. my mum's turkey was so delicious though. she's a great cook when she wants to be. we asked her to write up a christmas list and she put "ice cubes, paper bags, toilet paper, seat cushions" and if that wasn't funny enough, we thought she wrote "sex cushions" and then we googled that and found out that they do indeed exist. so jamie wants to buy her seat cushions and a cheap vibrator from spencer's or something and stick it in one... and apparently i am the one who has to buy the vibrator. ughghghg. we are really weird but that's fine. my brother got me a pin with andy warhol's face on it that says "your fifteen minutes is up" and i liked it so much that i put it on the lapel of my peacoat. i think he liked that i did that. he's cool. tomorrow i'm putting up our christmas tree and decorating the house a little bit. while blasting christmas music. and dancing around with owen in our pjs. it'll be perfect. i wish it would snow here. i really do.

and this.

"You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life."

christmas shopping status:

MY FAMILY
mom: jamie and i are going to get her a new digital camera
jamie/shawn: i blew up a picture of owen and got a frame for it, plus i'm going to get them a regal giftcard so they can go on a date to the movies
owen: no idea - but he'll be easy
alexander: just bought him a sweet shirt from threadless
jeni: got her the book 'pride and prejudice and zombies'
cloe: got her a super cute outfit

CHRIS'S FAMILY
chris: no idea
jill: got her a nice address book
finny: no idea
bob/rachel: no idea
jessica: i'm going to get her some books from this series that she likes

FRIENDS
morgan: no idea
rachel: no idea
rebecca: no idea

hmmm. so far so good i guess?

i had a little mike's hard berries on wednesday. chris let me have some. today my sister asked me to sip some of her wine. so i did. i didn't like it. then shawn asked me to try his whiskey sour, which i also did not like. it was nothing really. my sister said, "so you no longer think that alcohol is the root of all evil, eh?" of course not i said. i never thought that.

people change all the time and do horrible, awful things to other people and animals and to themselves and they quit their jobs and they walk out on their children and they kill themselves and shit happens all the time. people just change. at least i am not out of my mind like that. i'm young. i never got to be stupid. i never got to make mistakes. i always had to learn from everyone else. their consequences. now look at me. i'm not a fuck up. i would never mess up the good things i have going for me. i'm smart. but i'm young. i need to live.

threadless is having a holiday sale. everything is $12 whether it's new, a classic, a reprint, whatever. i have spent so much money on their shirts just trying to find what size fits me best. it seems girly large is the winner. these are the ones i would want:

http://www.threadless.com/product/2079/The_Daydreamer
http://www.threadless.com/product/2071/The_Cloud_Menagerie
http://www.threadless.com/product/2047/Alt_of_Ctrl
http://www.threadless.com/product/1235/Attack_of_Literacy

my new philosophy.

ever since friday i have had the inexplicable urge to have a drink. some alcohol. just something. why not? nothing matters. i have one life to live and i'm never going to be able to live the way i could live right now. make sense? who knows. perhaps i will do it. perhaps i will not. i won't hide it. i won't make it a big deal. it will be essentially nothing. nada thing. na... da... thing... i'll do it.

life hurts.

i'm just going to go with the flow. see what happens. see what's in store for me. i'm sick of caring and trying and failing and putting forth effort that is never reciprocated, being told that nothing will ever change. i'm sick of a lot of things. so i am just going to go with the flow.

this is what ended up happening last night. i went over to eric's room at around 7pm and for a while we were all just doing the usual: watching kc play assassin's creed II, listening to WERW, drinking hot chocolate, and just chilling and being bored. then they go, "okay jillian, we're gonna start drinking now..." and they pull them out of the fridge and i immediately like lock the door, find a good hiding place in case it's needed, and basically just freak out. they were like, "no seriously, there's no way we're going to get in trouble. we're not loud, you can't smell it in the hallway, and our RA blatantly told us that she doesn't care. so i'm like, alright fine. as long as i have a hiding place in case you guys get walked in on, i'm col. then they decided they need to buy some more. so we walk to the little lancaster market and i get a pomegranate rockstar because it looked good and on our way out the door we run into this kid that we all knew last year (well eric and kc and everyone are still good friends with him) and he insists that i come to see his new house. so i'm like, ehhh eric, what if i want to leave soon? and he promised that he would peace with me when i wanted to. turns out there was really no one there, it wasn't a party by any means, and we just chilled in their basement and some kid played the drums. eventually everyone left to go to some guy's birthday party and eric said he'd walk me back. on the way back he kept asking me if i felt okay and if i was glad i came and if i was still paranoid, and i was like, you know what? i had fun. it wasn't crazy, and no one pressured me to drink (not that i would care if they did)... so i had a great time. he said he was so proud of me for having the courage to come even though we both know i wasn't supposed to be "in the presence of alcohol" and he was really sorry for the fact that it's pretty much all they do. i was like nah, it's cool. you guys are fine. i don't have a problem with drinking. anyway, we get home, and kc calls and says he wants to meet up for food. so we go to marshall street and at this point the rockstar is making me SO SICK to my stomach that i just get a bottle of water and wait for them to finish eating. then we run through walnut park and get back to their room. i just lay on their futon because i'm sooo sick. then someone declares it nightcrawlers time. basically nightcrawlers is when you turn off all the lights and shut the blinds and crawl around on the floor and whoever is the most creepiest at the end is the winner. kc always wins. and as lame as it sounds, it's so fucking fun and scary. after that i lay on the futon and pass out and woke up at like 11.

i'm really glad i came. i've missed them.

now i'm going to jamie and shawn's house for a little belated birthday dinner for owen/shawn and then tomorrow morning i have to babysit owen. i'm sooo glad to finally see them. i got him a sit-and-spin, gloves with cars on them, a really cute winter hat, and sweat pants with cars on them. and by cars i mean the disney movie. and i got them at h&m so they're really cute :)